Broken.

I can't help but feel like shit. I don't know what to do. I feel so lost in this small small world.  I'm upset. I'm still in shock and I'm still stunned. I don't know what the outcome will even be but my heart just tightens at every thought. Every memory. I can feel a pang in my heart, my whole body shaking, tears streaming down my face as I type this. How did I deserve this? How did this even happen? I tried so hard to keep everything together.

I remember trying so hard to hold my tears back when you walked through those gates. You were leaving, and I didn't want to make a fool out of myself in front of your family. I remember your friends telling me not to worry, that you love me and that you'll be coming home to me soon. I remember going home and I just burst out in tears. Callie was just sitting there listening to everything. My thoughts, how much I'm going to miss you, how hard this is going to be, how I wont have anymore late night calls, good morning text messages, cuddling on the sofa while watching movies, hugs and kisses when I'm sad. And the thing I was going to miss the most was your presence. Little did I know you walking through those doors meant walking away from me for good. I remember telling Callie how scared I was of losing you. Feelings, time, another girl maybe. I was so scared I wouldn't be worth your time, your effort, your love. And I was right. I was never worth the wait. I'm not worthy of your love or your efforts. It's like a peasant trying to marry the king. Useless. Unheard of.

I constantly get flashbacks of how we first met, our conversations, our friendship, how I said yes, our relationship, all the good times we had. The more I think, the more I want to be mad at you for giving up on me. For giving up on us. I just want to be mad at you but I can't. I still love you too much to hurt you or to say anything bad about you. I can't resent you cause I just love you. Everytime I see you, even in pictures, I just have such a strong urge to kiss you. Stay in your arms. Cry on your shoulder and ask you to take me back. I just want to stand in front of your car and let you run me over cause that would be less painful than how I feel now.

Everyone tells me its not my fault, but why do I feel it is? I'm not as strong as you think I am. I can't go through this. I know I shouldn't, but I feel like just letting you hug and whisper sweet nothings in my ear. How is it I go to you for comfort when everything goes wrong and when I feel the worst, I can't even go to you? I've lost my companion. I had 3 people I trusted the most. Only 3 people I could tell everything to. Now, I only have 2, and you know most out of the 3. I feel like I lost my best friend.

You've seen me at my worst, and at my best. I always tried to be the best for you. Up to the very last second, up til now, I still love you too much to be mad at you or to resent you for hurting me. But love is what keeps us all going no? And with this heart break, how do I go on from here? The constant feeling of my heart just not being where it should be in my body. I gave you my heart, you safe guarded it. And until now, and I really don't know how long more, but you still haven't given my heart back. And a part of me feels that you will always hold my heart.

I still have hope. I think I will always have hope in us. Next month, next year, in the next 5 years, I don't think I can ever stop hoping. You're just so special to me, just so so special. And everyone may say that I'm only saying this because I'm still in love but no. I know we shared something really special, you know what we had, you know what we went through and that's something only we can understand. I just wished I am as special to you as you are to me still. I just hope so badly that when you come home, everything will fall into place again. And please don't blame me for hoping, cause you know I was always a strong believer in hope. I just want us again.

I don't want everyone to say bad things about you. It hurts so badly when they do cause I know that you're so genuine, and you don't deserve to be called names. No one should ever dare judge a guy like you. It's not your fault, it's mine. You shouldn't be blamed for my mistakes, and I'm just so sorry I couldn't be better for you. I'm just so sorry I couldn't hold us together. I'm so sorry I drove you away somehow. I'm so sorry I made you let go. I'm so sorry for not being worth a 2 year wait. I'm so sorry for being such a horrible girlfriend. I'm just so sorry for everything, and I really can't but feel that everything is my fault. I just wished I could be better for you.

 I have so many things to say but its just too public to blog about. I have so many things to tell you, but I'm so afraid to face you when you come back. I'm just so scared to cry in front of you knowing that you won't comfort me any more. And I'm scared to face you, with hope in my eyes, and having to face rejection. I'm just so hurt and so damn scared for how everything will turn out.

I know it wasn't easy for you to do this, but I hope you're happy cause that's all I ever wished for you. And if you're happier without me, I guess I'll have to live with that pain. I know its seems impossible, but if it doesn't work out, I just hope we can go back to what we were before we were together. You were like my older brother, you watched out for me. You still do, I know you still care. As incest as it sounds, I don't care. I just wished you are open to the idea of at least being close friends again just cause we know each other like the back of our hands, I cannot imagine going to anyone else besides you and the other 2.

I still have things to say, but I'll leave that for another time cause I just need to stop writing and stop crying. And I felt that I needed to pen this down cause saying it and telling my story just doesn't help. And I don't care what people think about me doing this cause I know I needed to do this for myself. I need to pen down all my emotions and this was the only way I thought how without spamming my twitter again. Though I know I still will write alot on twitter. And I know I promised you I'd stay strong, but that's a promise I cannot make to you or anyone else who asked me to stay strong. I'm sorry for just being so vulnerable, so hurt and just so torn. But I'm only human, and I'm bound to break.

So until next time I need a release, just know that I will always love you. Naive to say, but I know its something that I really mean. I will always love you cause you will always be the best, the right person but just at the wrong time.