I give up.
I don't normally say this a lot, but I give up. I give up trying so hard to always keep things together. Why do I always try to beat the odds and hold everything together? It finally hit me, everything I've always tried to do is fucking bullshit now.
Throughout my life, I've always been the one who tried so hard to keep everything together. Whether it was group work, friends, relationships, I always tried. I always told myself that I cannot let things crumble, I will not allow things to crumble infront of my very eyes. And where has that left me in life? Constantly hurting.
I remember fights between friends, way back in the middle of high school. It was such a war between two parties and what was it over? Misunderstandings. Choosing friends. Choosing to be on a side. I remember being the middle man, always trying to convince each party to listen to each others side of the story, how we shouldn't let one little misunderstanding get in the way or friendship. And what happened? I was accused of NOT choosing a side. It was as though being the middle man was a crime, and in the end? I was left to rot, leaving a group of friends (Whom I still talk to once in a blue moon though) and forced to take a side. I never said anything, but it ate me up for awhile. It really really did. But I pretended that it didn't effect me, and I just acted as though nothing happened, which was also my mistake. But I really really missed being able to talk to those friends, and I regret not telling them at the time.
I remember starting to take on responsibilities in school. I couldn't give a damn in lower secondary, all I cared about was cheerleading. Fullstop. I didn't even give a damn about my work or my grades cause all I wanted to do was enjoy whatever I had. When I hit upper secondary, I turned over a new leaf, a blank canvas to start fresh. I started getting more involved, I found that motivational force in someone to always want me to do better. I remember accomplishing a lot in just my first year, and it slowly progressed. But what slowly progressed was also my ability to stay up longer throughout the nights, my energy to do even more things, but why? Because eventually, some people gave up, and so many things were just dropped on my shoulders. I never wanted to fail, I never wanted anything to fail in my hands. Anything I played apart of, I was so reluctant to let anything fail. I just couldn't stand the idea of failing. I picked up the pieces, and I thank god for certain people along the way to help me do it as well.
Though there's self satisfaction at the end, I can't help but feel that throughout the process, I have been nothing but a push-over. So many people have stepped over my head, and though I knew what they were doing, I was stupid enough to let them. I just never had the heart to say 'no'. Even when I was practically working on no sleep and struggling in class, whatever someone tossed at me, I just said okay and took it. What the fuck was wrong with me? To know that I was clearly the one who had to hold everything together and it was so clear that I was being used, all the fucking time but I just never had the heart to scream. I never had the heart to tell someone off. I just couldn't say no to anyone. What did I get out of it in the end? Not even a thank you. Okay, there were times, like 5% of the time. We all left high school going our separate ways, and I can't help but think, was what I did right? Do they still remember all the things I've done for them? Do they or did they even appreciate it? Or was all those sleepless nights for nothing?
I remember my first relationship (Yes, I'm being open about everything), it was so unstable. We were on and off, a lot. And I mean alot. I actually lost count to how many times we tried to fix the broken. But we were young, and naive and bloody well stupid. But I remember always being the one getting hurt. And I would just sit there trying to fix it all the time but never called the shots. I always only accepted or got shot down. It was really really heartbreaking when he stopped asking actually, cause I realised my efforts of trying to make it work just didn't pay off and that every single time when I tried to hold it together, it just wouldn't work out with no particular reason even.
My second was great. Honestly there's nothing to talk about. We were great and maybe I was blind? I don't know how to explain it, but this one hit me like a ton of bricks. Yes, I tried to hold it together again. All the fucking time. At the end of it all? I got hurt yet again. And this time, I was so damn depressed, I can't even explain it. I remember crying to sleep, generally crying 11 hours a day after taking out sleep and schooling hours. I remember being so numb that I didn't eat, I just never had the appetite to eat. I'm glad that the phase turned around quickly though, I'm glad that I got back on my feet quickly. But I remember always trying to hold everything together once again. Always trying to find a way. Guess I just didn't find the way.
My third is by far the most bittersweet. For the first time in a relationship, I felt so loved, I felt so comfortable, I felt special. I don't want to say much cause everyone practically knows the story. I told myself that I would do whatever it takes to keep us together, to keep this boy and I together. We were just so good together, I sometimes felt like we could do anything as long as we were together. I really wanted this to work out more than anything in my life. I remember always sending messages and doing little things to remind him of how much I loved him. Yes, love is a strong word, and I really mean love. I fell apart when it fell apart. I am still crumbling at the fact that we crumbled. I am still in pieces and god knows how long it will take for me to stick myself back together.
I cried so hard for a week, I just locked myself in the room and cried to the point I would ask my sister to just hug me as I cried. I still cry myself to sleep up to this day. I always felt full and never wanting to eat or drink cause it felt as though my body was fine. My chest constantly had an aching feeling and I felt so empty. I would look in the mirror and not even recognize that it was me cause that's how big of a mess I was. I got hugs from friends but everytime they squeezed me, I would just erupt in tears and cry like a damn baby. I don't know how people do it, but I salute them for being able to keep their emotions to themselves and for being so strong. I just feel so vulnerable and I feel so helpless because no matter what I try to do to be happy, I just crumble all over again.
There's so many other situations where I tried to stick things together, to hold everything up but honestly, at this point, I am so tired. I am so tired of being used, I'm so tired of always being the glue, I am so tired of always fighting for others, I'm tired of always being the mother figure/elder sister, and really? I'm so tired of always trying to make relationships work and getting hurt in the end. Every. Fucking. Time. They say the one who tries the hardest in the relationship always gets hurt the most in the end, I couldn't agree more. Yeah, I have never broken a heart, not even once. And I'm just so tired of being the one who always tries to hold on but its so easy for everyone to let me go. Friends, people I worked with, past boyfriends, everyone. It hit me so hard that over the years, I was such an easy piece to let go of in all of their lives. I'm the one who constantly loves more, that's my problem.
Every time I see a picture of friends who have been together since forever, I just want to break something. Every time I see a club or group working so well together, being so tight knit, I just want to flip a table. Every time I see couples or even photos of them, I just sit there being all broken and have the biggest temptation to hit 'unfriend' or 'unfollow'. I just envy everyone so much. Not that I'm not grateful for what I have, I am really, but I envy how so many others barely have to put any effort to make it work. They just work well together and its obvious that they are ALL the glue.
I'm not doing this to seek sympathy or whatever, I'm just letting it out cause I'm so exhausted of always having to put my chin up high and bolt everything I feel inside. I know one day when I'm a mother or an adult, I know I can never do this, be vulnerable, so while I still can, I will be. I guess I'm just not as strong of a person everyone makes me out to be.
And with regards to me giving up, okay fine. Maybe that was a little drastic, but I meant I give up always trying to hold everything together. I give up being the one who constantly fights. If no one else is willing to fight along side me, then fuck it. What is the damn point being the only one fighting for things to stay together? I'm tired of always being the one left to rot or the one who's left broken and hurt. Yes, I secretly wished I was heartless to say 'No', to not feel anything and to just be carefree. I need to stop caring about every small thing and every one else who may not even care for me.
I've been trying to adapt to change. Everything just feels so foreign right now that it's pretty overwhelming trying to adapt. But I've been staying up every night doing some soul-searching, and I guess its time to turn over yet another new leaf. I need a new canvas to paint on. I'm still going to keep my qualities of not giving up on people, I just won't try as hard as I normally do and expect them to give up on me eventually just so I won't get hurt. I'm still going to keep the quality of looking for the good in people (Yes, even if you've done something really bad to me or you're a downright asshole, I still look for good qualities in you, no matter how much I dislike you) only this time, I will have the expectation that they will eventually backstab me or hurt me just so when it happens, I can say 'I knew it would happen anyway'. And I'm just going to live with the mind set that everyone will eventually leave so once they do, I would be strong.
Turning my life around and trying to stay positive with quotes and sayings (as usual). Been having an odd habit of beating my depression by shopping lately but I'm going to see it as a good thing, a new look for a new start. I've also been trying to take out my hurt, anger and stress by going to the gym and eating healthier. It's been about 3 weeks now and I've been trying to go about 3-4 times a week. I'm glad to say I already dropped 4 kilos in the past one month through my no-appetite-to-eat depression phase, gyming and my food choices, new look for a new start right?
And to those guys who are freaking assholes, I may be single, but I'm not available. I'm not a piece of meat you can just randomly come and chew on. I can tell the difference between friends trying to hang out and catch up now that I'm free (I thank god for you people) and random guys who are just looking for a good ride/hook up/story to tell their mates. If you really want to take advantage of a girl, you're barking up the wrong tree just so you know.
It's time to find myself again. Party, get drunk, get on a train and get off a random stop, hike up a hill and scream my lungs out, get locked up in a mall, dance around random people on the streets or maybe even just dye my hair a weird colour.
It's time.
