Broken.

I can't help but feel like shit. I don't know what to do. I feel so lost in this small small world.  I'm upset. I'm still in shock and I'm still stunned. I don't know what the outcome will even be but my heart just tightens at every thought. Every memory. I can feel a pang in my heart, my whole body shaking, tears streaming down my face as I type this. How did I deserve this? How did this even happen? I tried so hard to keep everything together.

I remember trying so hard to hold my tears back when you walked through those gates. You were leaving, and I didn't want to make a fool out of myself in front of your family. I remember your friends telling me not to worry, that you love me and that you'll be coming home to me soon. I remember going home and I just burst out in tears. Callie was just sitting there listening to everything. My thoughts, how much I'm going to miss you, how hard this is going to be, how I wont have anymore late night calls, good morning text messages, cuddling on the sofa while watching movies, hugs and kisses when I'm sad. And the thing I was going to miss the most was your presence. Little did I know you walking through those doors meant walking away from me for good. I remember telling Callie how scared I was of losing you. Feelings, time, another girl maybe. I was so scared I wouldn't be worth your time, your effort, your love. And I was right. I was never worth the wait. I'm not worthy of your love or your efforts. It's like a peasant trying to marry the king. Useless. Unheard of.

I constantly get flashbacks of how we first met, our conversations, our friendship, how I said yes, our relationship, all the good times we had. The more I think, the more I want to be mad at you for giving up on me. For giving up on us. I just want to be mad at you but I can't. I still love you too much to hurt you or to say anything bad about you. I can't resent you cause I just love you. Everytime I see you, even in pictures, I just have such a strong urge to kiss you. Stay in your arms. Cry on your shoulder and ask you to take me back. I just want to stand in front of your car and let you run me over cause that would be less painful than how I feel now.

Everyone tells me its not my fault, but why do I feel it is? I'm not as strong as you think I am. I can't go through this. I know I shouldn't, but I feel like just letting you hug and whisper sweet nothings in my ear. How is it I go to you for comfort when everything goes wrong and when I feel the worst, I can't even go to you? I've lost my companion. I had 3 people I trusted the most. Only 3 people I could tell everything to. Now, I only have 2, and you know most out of the 3. I feel like I lost my best friend.

You've seen me at my worst, and at my best. I always tried to be the best for you. Up to the very last second, up til now, I still love you too much to be mad at you or to resent you for hurting me. But love is what keeps us all going no? And with this heart break, how do I go on from here? The constant feeling of my heart just not being where it should be in my body. I gave you my heart, you safe guarded it. And until now, and I really don't know how long more, but you still haven't given my heart back. And a part of me feels that you will always hold my heart.

I still have hope. I think I will always have hope in us. Next month, next year, in the next 5 years, I don't think I can ever stop hoping. You're just so special to me, just so so special. And everyone may say that I'm only saying this because I'm still in love but no. I know we shared something really special, you know what we had, you know what we went through and that's something only we can understand. I just wished I am as special to you as you are to me still. I just hope so badly that when you come home, everything will fall into place again. And please don't blame me for hoping, cause you know I was always a strong believer in hope. I just want us again.

I don't want everyone to say bad things about you. It hurts so badly when they do cause I know that you're so genuine, and you don't deserve to be called names. No one should ever dare judge a guy like you. It's not your fault, it's mine. You shouldn't be blamed for my mistakes, and I'm just so sorry I couldn't be better for you. I'm just so sorry I couldn't hold us together. I'm so sorry I drove you away somehow. I'm so sorry I made you let go. I'm so sorry for not being worth a 2 year wait. I'm so sorry for being such a horrible girlfriend. I'm just so sorry for everything, and I really can't but feel that everything is my fault. I just wished I could be better for you.

 I have so many things to say but its just too public to blog about. I have so many things to tell you, but I'm so afraid to face you when you come back. I'm just so scared to cry in front of you knowing that you won't comfort me any more. And I'm scared to face you, with hope in my eyes, and having to face rejection. I'm just so hurt and so damn scared for how everything will turn out.

I know it wasn't easy for you to do this, but I hope you're happy cause that's all I ever wished for you. And if you're happier without me, I guess I'll have to live with that pain. I know its seems impossible, but if it doesn't work out, I just hope we can go back to what we were before we were together. You were like my older brother, you watched out for me. You still do, I know you still care. As incest as it sounds, I don't care. I just wished you are open to the idea of at least being close friends again just cause we know each other like the back of our hands, I cannot imagine going to anyone else besides you and the other 2.

I still have things to say, but I'll leave that for another time cause I just need to stop writing and stop crying. And I felt that I needed to pen this down cause saying it and telling my story just doesn't help. And I don't care what people think about me doing this cause I know I needed to do this for myself. I need to pen down all my emotions and this was the only way I thought how without spamming my twitter again. Though I know I still will write alot on twitter. And I know I promised you I'd stay strong, but that's a promise I cannot make to you or anyone else who asked me to stay strong. I'm sorry for just being so vulnerable, so hurt and just so torn. But I'm only human, and I'm bound to break.

So until next time I need a release, just know that I will always love you. Naive to say, but I know its something that I really mean. I will always love you cause you will always be the best, the right person but just at the wrong time.

Labour Day?

*Blog entry was written on the 20th of March

What's up guys!

It's been awhile since I've even logged on to blogger but please do excuse me as the last 2 months have been hectic as it was complete and utter madness for me!

My internship has now ended (I stopped last Friday) and it was honestly really bittersweet. Sweet in the sense that I've learnt so much, I feel like I've learnt to become a better worker, had the privilege to travel and see places, met and worked with so many new people and experienced the whole works of something (Partially) I want to do in the future as a career. It was bitter in the sense that I was kept so busy that I barely got to see my family, I lacked sleep, sometimes never got a chance to drink water or eat even (downfall if you have gastric like me), and when I had to leave, 4 months just felt like it wasn't enough. Oh and that Adrian would always lecture me for not sleeping or taking care of myself. 

Anyway, my original plan of this post was to have a million and one photo's of events I've been apart of, but I think I shouldn't cause as much as I'm proud of being apart of the projects, I don't think I should be sharing client's information (& fun) here. So please bear with the pictures of work, the office, my colleagues and I with the whole works. (I think that should be fine, right?)

So it started here on the 8th of December (Yes, I'm a freak, I can remember all the dates and venues for all the events I've been apart of, 12 to be exact.) It was a friendly volleyball and cheerleading competition for a company. It was actually my first week and my first ever project that I planned with my boss. Also the first time I judged a cheerleading competition! (;

The next project I was apart of was in early January, an annual sales conference for a 'home decor' company. Unfortunately I don't have any pictures cause we were kept so busy, we didn't even take stupid pictures. ): Anyway, it was the first big project I was apart of so I was totally amazed when we went for the set up. I kept gawking at the stage cause it was so gorgeous, words couldn't explain it. 

And get this, after 2 days of working from the break of dawn til midnight, we had our next event the next day! Talk about crazy. It was an awards night dinner. You can only imagine how sleepy we were to have to stay up til the early morning and stand/walk around the hotel the whole day. Again,  didn't have the chance to take any pictures with the crew cause we were just too tired to do anything really. 

A week later, we did a launch dinner for a pump company. All I can say is that I LOVED the opening cause it was special? It wasn't as boring of a dinner like how I thought it would have been. I pictured something like a simple dinner with a cocktail reception but dang, we did pretty good. 

Us girls in Cheong Sams. (:

After that, some of us made our way up to Penang while some of us stayed in KL for 3 events running simultaneously. And we still rocked all 3, WHAT UP? Anyway, this event I was specifically planning with my 'mummy' (Office mum), my boss and Nick, so we headed up to Penang for a website launch. Now I strongly recommend this site for those who are looking for jobs. HIGHLY RECOMMEND. Super high-tech, very efficient and very unique as it's the first and so far only in Malaysia that does online resume (Visume)

Crew at Equatorial Hotel, Penang.

The best group of people to travel in a car for 5 hours with. ♥

Anyway, we had a short break cause most companies would take off for CNY so we had our company CNY dinner. 

Followed by our CNY holiday and our first day back!

And then started the non-stop mayhem. (I'm not even going to elaborate much and just let the pictures do most of the talking)

We had a partnership dinner followed by a dialogue to do and needless to say, I only got photos of the hotel room. HAHAH, I feel like such a failure, anyway, it was a nice hotel. (: Sama-sama hotel, right next to KLIA, literally connected that we walked to KLIA to buy lunch.

2 days after I got back, I went for a site inspection at Grand Hyatt hotel for an upcoming event, ones I unfortunately missed cause I left early. Wasn't my first site inspection or anything but this was the most memorable of all! I got to see all the different types of rooms and got to sample some french pastries at 38degrees restaurant on the 38th floor! A truly amazing experience, now here's a peak at the presidential suite!

The next day, we flew of the Kota Kinabalu for the event with the most fun! Another sales conference, road show style. This time at Sutera Harbour Resort. Pictures are post-event. 

The view from my hotel room window. 

While the boys were swimming.

The susnet view from the Harbour. I took this with my old battered up phone and it still looked so gorgeous!

The view from the plane. I was damn jakun cause it was my first time on a night flight and the city lights were so beautiful! I even got a chance to see lightning right in front of me!

When we came back, everyone went off to Penang the next day for the next stop of the roadshow. I got left behind in KL for my gadget launch that I was organizing. And I heard the post-event for Penang was the best. ): Always left out when things get good. Anyway, this event tested my limits, I worked for 42 hours with only 2 hours of sleep in between. Had to stand almost the whole time too! Anyway, we stayed at Impiana Hotel just to take a 2 hours nap, as the girl, I got the bed while the guys refused to sleep. It was some good sleep. (Y)

Excited jakuns

Marini's on 57! Our work in progress.

 The view of KL from Marini's. 

 Because we had some spare time, we celebrated birthdays of those born in March at the office.

We then dashed off to Malacca the following week for the final stop of our roadshow! Stayed at Holiday Inn Malacca.

pot my cute little red luggage bag!

Durian Cendol at Jonker street!

After 3 sleepless days, we headed back to KL and had another awards dinner night in KL 2 days after. This was by far the HARDEST event for me. Cause I had to walk so much to get from the lobby to the grand ball room in Hilton KL. Not only that, I was surviving on about a week with barely enough sleep AND food poisoning. And to top it all off, not only did we not manage to sleep much for this event, we barely got to EAT during the event. The only meal I ate that day was my lunch at 3pm, my last meal before that was supper at 11 the night before and the next meal I had? 5pm the next day! I actually went 26 hours WITHOUT food! Talk about crazy.

Yeah, we went a little crazy.

And of course, my very last event! The intermark building launch! 

Working with my colleagues have been amazing and I've learnt so much. In a span of 4 months, I've experienced things I wouldn't even be able to experience in 3 years and I've to thank alot of people for this opportunity  I'm looking forward to go back and work for them as a temporary staff for day jobs and I'm really grateful for the past 4 months. I'll miss you guys so much!