Giving Up to Change.

I give up. 

I don't normally say this a lot, but I give up. I give up trying so hard to always keep things together. Why do I always try to beat the odds and hold everything together? It finally hit me, everything I've always tried to do is fucking bullshit now.

Throughout my life, I've always been the one who tried so hard to keep everything together. Whether it was group work, friends, relationships, I always tried. I always told myself that I cannot let things crumble, I will not allow things to crumble infront of my very eyes. And where has that left me in life? Constantly hurting.

I remember fights between friends, way back in the middle of high school. It was such a war between two parties and what was it over? Misunderstandings. Choosing friends. Choosing to be on a side. I remember being the middle man, always trying to convince each party to listen to each others side of the story, how we shouldn't let one little misunderstanding get in the way or friendship. And what happened? I was accused of NOT choosing a side. It was as though being the middle man was a crime, and in the end? I was left to rot, leaving a group of friends (Whom I still talk to once in a blue moon though) and forced to take a side. I never said anything, but it ate me up for awhile. It really really did. But I pretended that it didn't effect me, and I just acted as though nothing happened, which was also my mistake. But I really really missed being able to talk to those friends, and I regret not telling them at the time.

I remember starting to take on responsibilities in school. I couldn't give a damn in lower secondary, all I cared about was cheerleading. Fullstop. I didn't even give a damn about my work or my grades cause all I wanted to do was enjoy whatever I had. When I hit upper secondary, I turned over a new leaf, a blank canvas to start fresh. I started getting more involved, I found that motivational force in someone to always want me to do better. I remember accomplishing a lot in just my first year, and it slowly progressed. But what slowly progressed was also my ability to stay up longer throughout the nights, my energy to do even more things, but why? Because eventually, some people gave up, and so many things were just dropped on my shoulders. I never wanted to fail, I never wanted anything to fail in my hands. Anything I played apart of, I was so reluctant to let anything fail. I just couldn't stand the idea of failing. I picked up the pieces, and I thank god for certain people along the way to help me do it as well.

Though there's self satisfaction at the end, I can't help but feel that throughout the process, I have been nothing but a push-over. So many people have stepped over my head, and though I knew what they were doing, I was stupid enough to let them. I just never had the heart to say 'no'. Even when I was practically working on no sleep and struggling in class, whatever someone tossed at me, I just said okay and took it. What the fuck was wrong with me? To know that I was clearly the one who had to hold everything together and it was so clear that I was being used, all the fucking time but I just never had the heart to scream. I never had the heart to tell someone off. I just couldn't say no to anyone. What did I get out of it in the end? Not even a thank you. Okay, there were times, like 5% of the time. We all left high school going our separate ways, and I can't help but think, was what I did right? Do they still remember all the things I've done for them? Do they or did they even appreciate it? Or was all those sleepless nights for nothing?

I remember my first relationship (Yes, I'm being open about everything), it was so unstable. We were on and off, a lot. And I mean alot. I actually lost count to how many times we tried to fix the broken. But we were young, and naive and bloody well stupid. But I remember always being the one getting hurt. And I would just sit there trying to fix it all the time but never called the shots. I always only accepted or got shot down. It was really really heartbreaking when he stopped asking actually, cause I realised my efforts of trying to make it work just didn't pay off and that every single time when I tried to hold it together, it just wouldn't work out with no particular reason even.

My second was great. Honestly there's nothing to talk about. We were great and maybe I was blind? I don't know how to explain it, but this one hit me like a ton of bricks. Yes, I tried to hold it together again. All the fucking time. At the end of it all? I got hurt yet again. And this time, I was so damn depressed, I can't even explain it. I remember crying to sleep, generally crying 11 hours a day after taking out sleep and schooling hours. I remember being so numb that I didn't eat, I just never had the appetite to eat. I'm glad that the phase turned around quickly though, I'm glad that I got back on my feet quickly. But I remember always trying to hold everything together once again. Always trying to find a way. Guess I just didn't find the way.

My third is by far the most bittersweet. For the first time in a relationship, I felt so loved, I felt so comfortable, I felt special. I don't want to say much cause everyone practically knows the story. I told myself that I would do whatever it takes to keep us together, to keep this boy and I together. We were just so good together, I sometimes felt like we could do anything as long as we were together. I really wanted this to work out more than anything in my life. I remember always sending messages and doing little things to remind him of how much I loved him. Yes, love is a strong word, and I really mean love. I fell apart when it fell apart. I am still crumbling at the fact that we crumbled. I am still in pieces and god knows how long it will take for me to stick myself back together.

I cried so hard for a week, I just locked myself in the room and cried to the point I would ask my sister to just hug me as I cried. I still cry myself to sleep up to this day. I always felt full and never wanting to eat or drink cause it felt as though my body was fine. My chest constantly had an aching feeling and I felt so empty. I would look in the mirror and not even recognize that it was me cause that's how big of a mess I was. I got hugs from friends but everytime they squeezed me, I would just erupt in tears and cry like a damn baby. I don't know how people do it, but I salute them for being able to keep their emotions to themselves and for being so strong. I just feel so vulnerable and I feel so helpless because no matter what I try to do to be happy, I just crumble all over again.

There's so many other situations where I tried to stick things together, to hold everything up but honestly, at this point, I am so tired. I am so tired of being used, I'm so tired of always being the glue, I am so tired of always fighting for others, I'm tired of always being the mother figure/elder sister, and really? I'm so tired of always trying to make relationships work and getting hurt in the end. Every. Fucking. Time. They say the one who tries the hardest in the relationship always gets hurt the most in the end, I couldn't agree more. Yeah, I have never broken a heart, not even once. And I'm just so tired of being the one who always tries to hold on but its so easy for everyone to let me go. Friends, people I worked with, past boyfriends, everyone. It hit me so hard that over the years, I was such an easy piece to let go of in all of their lives. I'm the one who constantly loves more, that's my problem.

Every time I see a picture of friends who have been together since forever, I just want to break something. Every time I see a club or group working so well together, being so tight knit, I just want to flip a table. Every time I see couples or even photos of them, I just sit there being all broken and have the biggest temptation to hit 'unfriend' or 'unfollow'. I just envy everyone so much. Not that I'm not grateful for what I have, I am really, but I envy how so many others barely have to put any effort to make it work. They just work well together and its obvious that they are ALL the glue.

I'm not doing this to seek sympathy or whatever, I'm just letting it out cause I'm so exhausted of always having to put my chin up high and bolt everything I feel inside. I know one day when I'm a mother or an adult, I know I can never do this, be vulnerable, so while I still can, I will be. I guess I'm just not as strong of a person everyone makes me out to be.

And with regards to me giving up, okay fine. Maybe that was a little drastic, but I meant I give up always trying to hold everything together. I give up being the one who constantly fights. If no one else is willing to fight along side me, then fuck it. What is the damn point being the only one fighting for things to stay together? I'm tired of always being the one left to rot or the one who's left broken and hurt. Yes, I secretly wished I was heartless to say 'No', to not feel anything and to just be carefree. I need to stop caring about every small thing and every one else who may not even care for me.

I've been trying to adapt to change. Everything just feels so foreign right now that it's pretty overwhelming trying to adapt. But I've been staying up every night doing some soul-searching, and I guess its time to turn over yet another new leaf. I need a new canvas to paint on. I'm still going to keep my qualities of not giving up on people, I just won't try as hard as I normally do and expect them to give up on me eventually just so I won't get hurt. I'm still going to keep the quality of looking for the good in people (Yes, even if you've done something really bad to me or you're a downright asshole, I still look for good qualities in you, no matter how much I dislike you) only this time, I will have the expectation that they will eventually backstab me or hurt me just so when it happens, I can say 'I knew it would happen anyway'. And I'm just going to live with the mind set that everyone will eventually leave so once they do, I would be strong.

Turning my life around and trying to stay positive with quotes and sayings (as usual). Been having an odd habit of beating my depression by shopping lately but I'm going to see it as a good thing, a new look for a new start. I've also been trying to take out my hurt, anger and stress by going to the gym and eating healthier. It's been about 3 weeks now and I've been trying to go about 3-4 times a week. I'm glad to say I already dropped 4 kilos in the past one month through my no-appetite-to-eat depression phase, gyming and my food choices, new look for a new start right?

And to those guys who are freaking assholes, I may be single, but I'm not available. I'm not a piece of meat you can just randomly come and chew on. I can tell the difference between friends trying to hang out and catch up now that I'm free (I thank god for you people) and random guys who are just looking for a good ride/hook up/story to tell their mates. If you really want to take advantage of a girl, you're barking up the wrong tree just so you know.

It's time to find myself again. Party, get drunk, get on a train and get off a random stop, hike up a hill and scream my lungs out, get locked up in a mall, dance around random people on the streets or maybe even just  dye my hair a weird colour.

It's time. 

Broken.

I can't help but feel like shit. I don't know what to do. I feel so lost in this small small world.  I'm upset. I'm still in shock and I'm still stunned. I don't know what the outcome will even be but my heart just tightens at every thought. Every memory. I can feel a pang in my heart, my whole body shaking, tears streaming down my face as I type this. How did I deserve this? How did this even happen? I tried so hard to keep everything together.

I remember trying so hard to hold my tears back when you walked through those gates. You were leaving, and I didn't want to make a fool out of myself in front of your family. I remember your friends telling me not to worry, that you love me and that you'll be coming home to me soon. I remember going home and I just burst out in tears. Callie was just sitting there listening to everything. My thoughts, how much I'm going to miss you, how hard this is going to be, how I wont have anymore late night calls, good morning text messages, cuddling on the sofa while watching movies, hugs and kisses when I'm sad. And the thing I was going to miss the most was your presence. Little did I know you walking through those doors meant walking away from me for good. I remember telling Callie how scared I was of losing you. Feelings, time, another girl maybe. I was so scared I wouldn't be worth your time, your effort, your love. And I was right. I was never worth the wait. I'm not worthy of your love or your efforts. It's like a peasant trying to marry the king. Useless. Unheard of.

I constantly get flashbacks of how we first met, our conversations, our friendship, how I said yes, our relationship, all the good times we had. The more I think, the more I want to be mad at you for giving up on me. For giving up on us. I just want to be mad at you but I can't. I still love you too much to hurt you or to say anything bad about you. I can't resent you cause I just love you. Everytime I see you, even in pictures, I just have such a strong urge to kiss you. Stay in your arms. Cry on your shoulder and ask you to take me back. I just want to stand in front of your car and let you run me over cause that would be less painful than how I feel now.

Everyone tells me its not my fault, but why do I feel it is? I'm not as strong as you think I am. I can't go through this. I know I shouldn't, but I feel like just letting you hug and whisper sweet nothings in my ear. How is it I go to you for comfort when everything goes wrong and when I feel the worst, I can't even go to you? I've lost my companion. I had 3 people I trusted the most. Only 3 people I could tell everything to. Now, I only have 2, and you know most out of the 3. I feel like I lost my best friend.

You've seen me at my worst, and at my best. I always tried to be the best for you. Up to the very last second, up til now, I still love you too much to be mad at you or to resent you for hurting me. But love is what keeps us all going no? And with this heart break, how do I go on from here? The constant feeling of my heart just not being where it should be in my body. I gave you my heart, you safe guarded it. And until now, and I really don't know how long more, but you still haven't given my heart back. And a part of me feels that you will always hold my heart.

I still have hope. I think I will always have hope in us. Next month, next year, in the next 5 years, I don't think I can ever stop hoping. You're just so special to me, just so so special. And everyone may say that I'm only saying this because I'm still in love but no. I know we shared something really special, you know what we had, you know what we went through and that's something only we can understand. I just wished I am as special to you as you are to me still. I just hope so badly that when you come home, everything will fall into place again. And please don't blame me for hoping, cause you know I was always a strong believer in hope. I just want us again.

I don't want everyone to say bad things about you. It hurts so badly when they do cause I know that you're so genuine, and you don't deserve to be called names. No one should ever dare judge a guy like you. It's not your fault, it's mine. You shouldn't be blamed for my mistakes, and I'm just so sorry I couldn't be better for you. I'm just so sorry I couldn't hold us together. I'm so sorry I drove you away somehow. I'm so sorry I made you let go. I'm so sorry for not being worth a 2 year wait. I'm so sorry for being such a horrible girlfriend. I'm just so sorry for everything, and I really can't but feel that everything is my fault. I just wished I could be better for you.

 I have so many things to say but its just too public to blog about. I have so many things to tell you, but I'm so afraid to face you when you come back. I'm just so scared to cry in front of you knowing that you won't comfort me any more. And I'm scared to face you, with hope in my eyes, and having to face rejection. I'm just so hurt and so damn scared for how everything will turn out.

I know it wasn't easy for you to do this, but I hope you're happy cause that's all I ever wished for you. And if you're happier without me, I guess I'll have to live with that pain. I know its seems impossible, but if it doesn't work out, I just hope we can go back to what we were before we were together. You were like my older brother, you watched out for me. You still do, I know you still care. As incest as it sounds, I don't care. I just wished you are open to the idea of at least being close friends again just cause we know each other like the back of our hands, I cannot imagine going to anyone else besides you and the other 2.

I still have things to say, but I'll leave that for another time cause I just need to stop writing and stop crying. And I felt that I needed to pen this down cause saying it and telling my story just doesn't help. And I don't care what people think about me doing this cause I know I needed to do this for myself. I need to pen down all my emotions and this was the only way I thought how without spamming my twitter again. Though I know I still will write alot on twitter. And I know I promised you I'd stay strong, but that's a promise I cannot make to you or anyone else who asked me to stay strong. I'm sorry for just being so vulnerable, so hurt and just so torn. But I'm only human, and I'm bound to break.

So until next time I need a release, just know that I will always love you. Naive to say, but I know its something that I really mean. I will always love you cause you will always be the best, the right person but just at the wrong time.

Labour Day?

*Blog entry was written on the 20th of March

What's up guys!

It's been awhile since I've even logged on to blogger but please do excuse me as the last 2 months have been hectic as it was complete and utter madness for me!

My internship has now ended (I stopped last Friday) and it was honestly really bittersweet. Sweet in the sense that I've learnt so much, I feel like I've learnt to become a better worker, had the privilege to travel and see places, met and worked with so many new people and experienced the whole works of something (Partially) I want to do in the future as a career. It was bitter in the sense that I was kept so busy that I barely got to see my family, I lacked sleep, sometimes never got a chance to drink water or eat even (downfall if you have gastric like me), and when I had to leave, 4 months just felt like it wasn't enough. Oh and that Adrian would always lecture me for not sleeping or taking care of myself. 

Anyway, my original plan of this post was to have a million and one photo's of events I've been apart of, but I think I shouldn't cause as much as I'm proud of being apart of the projects, I don't think I should be sharing client's information (& fun) here. So please bear with the pictures of work, the office, my colleagues and I with the whole works. (I think that should be fine, right?)

So it started here on the 8th of December (Yes, I'm a freak, I can remember all the dates and venues for all the events I've been apart of, 12 to be exact.) It was a friendly volleyball and cheerleading competition for a company. It was actually my first week and my first ever project that I planned with my boss. Also the first time I judged a cheerleading competition! (;

The next project I was apart of was in early January, an annual sales conference for a 'home decor' company. Unfortunately I don't have any pictures cause we were kept so busy, we didn't even take stupid pictures. ): Anyway, it was the first big project I was apart of so I was totally amazed when we went for the set up. I kept gawking at the stage cause it was so gorgeous, words couldn't explain it. 

And get this, after 2 days of working from the break of dawn til midnight, we had our next event the next day! Talk about crazy. It was an awards night dinner. You can only imagine how sleepy we were to have to stay up til the early morning and stand/walk around the hotel the whole day. Again,  didn't have the chance to take any pictures with the crew cause we were just too tired to do anything really. 

A week later, we did a launch dinner for a pump company. All I can say is that I LOVED the opening cause it was special? It wasn't as boring of a dinner like how I thought it would have been. I pictured something like a simple dinner with a cocktail reception but dang, we did pretty good. 

Us girls in Cheong Sams. (:

After that, some of us made our way up to Penang while some of us stayed in KL for 3 events running simultaneously. And we still rocked all 3, WHAT UP? Anyway, this event I was specifically planning with my 'mummy' (Office mum), my boss and Nick, so we headed up to Penang for a website launch. Now I strongly recommend this site for those who are looking for jobs. HIGHLY RECOMMEND. Super high-tech, very efficient and very unique as it's the first and so far only in Malaysia that does online resume (Visume)

Crew at Equatorial Hotel, Penang.

The best group of people to travel in a car for 5 hours with. ♥

Anyway, we had a short break cause most companies would take off for CNY so we had our company CNY dinner. 

Followed by our CNY holiday and our first day back!

And then started the non-stop mayhem. (I'm not even going to elaborate much and just let the pictures do most of the talking)

We had a partnership dinner followed by a dialogue to do and needless to say, I only got photos of the hotel room. HAHAH, I feel like such a failure, anyway, it was a nice hotel. (: Sama-sama hotel, right next to KLIA, literally connected that we walked to KLIA to buy lunch.

2 days after I got back, I went for a site inspection at Grand Hyatt hotel for an upcoming event, ones I unfortunately missed cause I left early. Wasn't my first site inspection or anything but this was the most memorable of all! I got to see all the different types of rooms and got to sample some french pastries at 38degrees restaurant on the 38th floor! A truly amazing experience, now here's a peak at the presidential suite!

The next day, we flew of the Kota Kinabalu for the event with the most fun! Another sales conference, road show style. This time at Sutera Harbour Resort. Pictures are post-event. 

The view from my hotel room window. 

While the boys were swimming.

The susnet view from the Harbour. I took this with my old battered up phone and it still looked so gorgeous!

The view from the plane. I was damn jakun cause it was my first time on a night flight and the city lights were so beautiful! I even got a chance to see lightning right in front of me!

When we came back, everyone went off to Penang the next day for the next stop of the roadshow. I got left behind in KL for my gadget launch that I was organizing. And I heard the post-event for Penang was the best. ): Always left out when things get good. Anyway, this event tested my limits, I worked for 42 hours with only 2 hours of sleep in between. Had to stand almost the whole time too! Anyway, we stayed at Impiana Hotel just to take a 2 hours nap, as the girl, I got the bed while the guys refused to sleep. It was some good sleep. (Y)

Excited jakuns

Marini's on 57! Our work in progress.

 The view of KL from Marini's. 

 Because we had some spare time, we celebrated birthdays of those born in March at the office.

We then dashed off to Malacca the following week for the final stop of our roadshow! Stayed at Holiday Inn Malacca.

pot my cute little red luggage bag!

Durian Cendol at Jonker street!

After 3 sleepless days, we headed back to KL and had another awards dinner night in KL 2 days after. This was by far the HARDEST event for me. Cause I had to walk so much to get from the lobby to the grand ball room in Hilton KL. Not only that, I was surviving on about a week with barely enough sleep AND food poisoning. And to top it all off, not only did we not manage to sleep much for this event, we barely got to EAT during the event. The only meal I ate that day was my lunch at 3pm, my last meal before that was supper at 11 the night before and the next meal I had? 5pm the next day! I actually went 26 hours WITHOUT food! Talk about crazy.

Yeah, we went a little crazy.

And of course, my very last event! The intermark building launch! 

Working with my colleagues have been amazing and I've learnt so much. In a span of 4 months, I've experienced things I wouldn't even be able to experience in 3 years and I've to thank alot of people for this opportunity  I'm looking forward to go back and work for them as a temporary staff for day jobs and I'm really grateful for the past 4 months. I'll miss you guys so much!

Loverboy

Hello there! 

It might be a little weird for me to be blogging but today's a really special day! Well, for Adrian and I at least, cause we're celebrating our 3rd year anniversary! *Inserts confetti cannons*

Yup, it's already been 3 years. Can you freaking believe it? I know I definitely can't!

I decided to share 'our story' cause y'know, every couple has their own story. Thought it'd be nice to tell ours and answer questions that people have been asking me over the years in conjunction with our 3rd year. So just warning you guys before hand, this is going to be a very 'wordy' post.

Btw, just wanted to clarify, Adrian and I are just like any other ordinary couple. We argue and have our fair share of problems as well which obviously lessened over time and honestly, we've steered clear with that section for quite a long time now. I can't even remember when the last time was but he was definitely here. Then again, who the heck remembers or even wants to remember the last time you had a fight over something stupid right?

Anyway, we have our disagreements just like everyone else and it's not like things magically got good for us either. We work through things together just like every other pair. We have our high's and low's (I would say alot of highs cause what kind of relationship would you be having if you had a ton of lows right? wtf ) but..y'know what? Let's just skip to the story.

Very first photo of us. (:

So, Adrian and I actually met in the most unconventional way you could ever imagine. Most of you are probably going to be all ' WTF?! o.o' but truth to be told, we actually got to know each other through the old time social networking site --now gaming site, friendster. Unbelievable right? I know. This was back in 2008 btw. I was at my cousin's place one night and I left my friendster account on while I went to the loo. She sneakily went through my profile and added random people I had relations to, one of which was Adrian. He was from my school's brother school and a couple of my friends knew him. Guess I should pretty goddamned thankful though. 

Anyway, we did the whole lame introduction thing and never talked, until one day, he was filtering through his friend list and couldn't recognise me. Actually, come to think about it now, I feel quite hurt that he couldn't remember me. So much for being so significant in his life from the start, sighh. So that's how we started talking and eventually we started to do so everyday. 

Eventually those talks on msn lead to friendly late night calls. With all these elements, eventually feelings were built. And here's the thing, feelings were building on his side, not mine. I actually had my eyes on someone else and saw Adrian and I as just close friends, so I rejected him. I feel so bad thinking about it now, I rejected my boyfriend. Wtf was I thinking at the time? ._.
Anyhoo yes, eventually that built some awkwardness between us but hey, we didn't want to just push a good friendship aside so we remained close friends. 

Moving along to 2009, we actually lost contact for 2-3 months cause we were really busy. This was some where from June-August? But in September, Adrian called me one fine day and we spent hours catching up over the phone.  I guess you can say he had the perfect timing cause about a week after, something happened to me. I'm not going to say what, but it tore me up and I was in what he would call it 'pretty bad shape'. I was just really fucked up, and he was really sweet about it actually. My friends were all there for me, especially MeiKuan and Adrian. It was as if MeiKuan was the antiseptic medicine and Adrian was the plaster to my wounds. HAHA, okay, I have pretty weird descriptions, mind me. 

Adrian would call me up everyday just to check on me and to remind me that things would get better. And yeap, I actually recovered faster than expected! We ended up talking on a daily basis and I guess you can say things grew from there. He got me into our former dance group, 'Tic Tac Toe' and we spent more time together. He actually left for UK on a trip and I guess that's how I realized we had something. He would leave facebook comments for me, still check on me whenever he could and when he touched down in Malaysia, he actually rang me up just to wish me Merry Christmas! He bought everyone something on his trip, most requested for candy and those who did not request for anything got keychains. I on the other hand said I didn't want anything, but he still got me something. He got me a bell with the engravings of London. (I still have it btw, so precious!) 

Tic Tac Toe back in 2010.

God, we look so different now

Why was it special? Cause no one else got it but me! *\o/* We got really close, and  feelings developed, he eventually became my dance partner. Not because of chemistry, it was because of our height just incase some of you were wondering. Though everyone said we were super sweet during our dance performance. :x Hurray for Chemistry! Moving on, one day in 2010, he just decided to let it all out on the table, and I was actually really thrilled! Of course I'd be happy, what blinking idiot wouldn't be? But honestly, I had mixed emotions, I was actually very afraid.

I saw him as an older brother figure, someone I knew who would help and have my back if anything were to happen to me. Yeah, I friend-zoned him. Even worse, I family-zoned him. 

I had to make a decision and I was petrified cause as much as I wanted this relationship, I didn't want to risk the chance of ruining a beautiful friendship. I made him wait for me and God, I felt awful. Absolutely awful. I think the wait totally tore him up cause I know he hates anxiety and waiting for answers and I wasn't exactly the kindest soul cause I actually distanced myself from him in order for me to think straight. But I swear torn up as he was, he was the sweetest thing to make sure I was okay and he actually wanted me to make the best decision for myself. And then he'd mope and mope on his old blog and post it through facebook statuses ON PURPOSE (I know this cause he told me after a year) just to make me feel bad and make my decision faster. Like I said, Adrian absolutely hates anxiety.

So after weeks, I finally made up my mind, and of course I said yes. But I wanted to tell him in person, so I decided to keep quiet. Only MeiKuan knew my answer. And here comes the anxiety problem again. I think he fears anxiety to the point it keeps him awake at night or something. So when he found out I had an answer and wasn't going to tell him til I saw him at our next dance practice (which was only a few days), he went all out to interrogate Meikuan. The woman just HAD to crack. -_____- Way to go to ruin the surprise.  

So when the time came, I told Adrian, face to face and his reaction wasn't as big as I pictured it and it sort of puzzled me. I mean, if you really want something and you get it, you'd probably be on cloud nine right? But he was just grinning and swinging his arms. And then he blurted it out, 

'Actually I already knew you were going to say yes' 

-_______- Again, way to go to ruin the moment. I mean, at least act surprised and crazy happy! Apparently, 'a little birdie told him' and we all know who that birdie was.

Thus, that's the story of Adrian and I. That's how it all started and we've blossomed so much over the past 3 years together. He went from being my blur friend to being my older brother to being my oldboy and now, no matter what I call him, I'm so proud to say that he's my boyfriend and that he's mine. 

Yes, he's mine.

He's the best company and support. I cannot even begin to explain how supportive he is of me. Ever since we got together in 2010, I turned over a new leaf. I became an over achiever, curriculum and work wise at least. And once I worked my way up, there's been so many times where I've just broken down and cried my eyes out and he's been there every time to wipe my tears and pull me back up on my feet. Not only that, but whenever I needed company, he'd be there. I don't think I would have even achieved what I have without him.

In the stands in 2010

When he was away in 2011 during cheer.
He was supporting me all the way from ITALY.

I mean, who the fck does that?

Cheer 2012

IU day 2012

CNY 2012 when he met almost everyone

Okay, so someone once asked me, what was the first photo of me in Adrian's phone. I actually found it on his old blog, and I look horrible. I can't believe I'm even publishing this, AHHAHAH.

It was in 2008, when we visited my old school for their canteen day. He was helping us clean out the haunted house which clearly explains the witch hat and my super dark skin from cheering under the sun so much. He decided to randomly snap a candid shot of me for his blog. And now as revenge....

Little birdie was in the second! HAHAHAH She's going to freaking kill me for this. 

Now you might be thinking, 'WOW, Adrian was quite the stalker, did he always stalk Dana?'

YES, YES HE DID. 

And this is total proof.

HAHAHA spot birdie again! Going to have to dig my second grave

This was taken back in 2009 during my school sports day.  He skipped scouts, climbed over the walls and lied to teachers just to watch me cheer. Again, he's so supportive and caring and loving and just everything, just why the heck am I so lucky? T.T

Our last dinner, for now.

Adrian and I are currently in a long distance relationship (LDR), have been for the past 6 months. Explains why I said that it was our last dinner together in the picture above.He's studying in the USA while I'm stuck here. And even though we're about 14,000kilometers apart, he still takes care of me and protects me, even with a 14 hour time difference. I admit, the time difference and distance sucks, but this wait is going to be worth every second and we both know it. I just can't for him to come back home! 

Another thing about Adrian and I, we enjoy each other's company til the point we barely take pictures together. And now that we're in a LDR, it freaking sucks to not have THAT many pictures. For example, I've been to 3 supercamps and 3 ICC concerts with him, I have no pictures with him at all at any supercamp,  and I only have pictures with him at ICC that one year just because we were in the same dance group. So a little tip if you're going to be going into an LDR, 

Get the habit of taking loads of pictures.

How cute is he?!

 Adrian, these 3 years have been amazing. You never fail to amaze me everyday with your lame jokes and romantic attempts. Your love, support and determination has kept me going, has kept us going. It still bewilders me how you even put up with my nonsense sometimes and all my rants when I'm frustrated and stressed, but you've still stayed on to loan me your ears, give me advise and shoulder rubs in times of distress. I still can't believe we were first friends and that I rejected you, followed by being 'siblings'. Even after 3 years, we still learn new things about each other all the time, like how I learnt your tickle spot is your neck and mine is...everywhere. We've done so many stupid things together over the years like random trips, drinking infront of my parents and stuff like listening to your lectures through skype. These small moments we have made in the past 3 years have been amazing and I hope there will be more lessons, more stupid things to do, more moments, more love and of course, many many more years to come.

Skyping during lectures.
Check out the sleeping guy behind, HAHA!

Everyday, my love for you only grows more and even though you're so far away, you never fail to make yourself present, right here. Now get your ass home so that I can give you a proper hug and kiss! (:

Happy anniversary, love. I love you.